Berloke has decided to allow me to open my moist crevice to you. �Moist crevice� is an arse-clenchingly crude metaphor for my mind, from which will spout forth gems of wisdom, or mind-numbing inanities - you decide.
First on the agenda - my crush on Anthony Stewart Head. Or rather, Giles. I have read several interviews with ASH, mostly on the Internet via Sonja Marie�s links and also in The Watcher�s Diary (the official companion to BtVS), and in each and every one he has been appalling beyond belief. Not only does he -
1) Think he is God�s gift to women (which he is, but vanity is an extremely unattractive quality, as seen recently in the case of Jennifer �men love me� Lopez and Mariah �Woops! All my clothes have fallen off� Carey *, a view which Berloke shares) - for proof of this read The Watcher�s Diary, the bit where he�s going on about everyone fancying him. * I am not jealous of gorgeous women. Cameron Diaz and Kate Moss are personal goddesses for being lovely and modest.
2) He strongly believes in Feng Shui and the power of crystals. Je reste ma valise.
3) He has lots of strange ideas about acting - �As an actor, I believe that emotion is consumate and is there to be discovered�. As Larry Olivier said, �My dear boy, why don�t you just act�? It�s not open heart surgery, is it? There just seems to be an inordinate amount of wank surrounding the guy, and a kind of residual Gold Blend heartthrob self-image. Which is sad, because the character of Giles is so eminently lickable that I have had 4 - count �em, FOUR - very excellent sex dreams about him, most of which I woke up from drenched in sweat and feeling �glowy�. I nearly passed out the last time I saw �Band Candy�.

However, before I �ew� you out completely, or simply bore you to death, I have decided to change the subject by compiling a �mini tao of Lucretia�.

1) Wine wine wine wine gin gin tonic off to a club dance to Abba flirt with boys kebab home.
2) Wake up with hangover miss lecture wine wine wine
3) The Seventies was not the decade that taste forgot, merely the decade that taste got pissed, took cocaine, went down to Studio 54, banged Bianca Jagger and THEN couldn�t quite remember what happened the night before.

Next week: More mini tao, position of the week, Lucretia answers YOUR questions, and elephantiasis: a good thing or a bad thing to happen to General Pinochet?